If only you knew. Epilogue

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem

I lay on the roof, gazing at the star speckled sky. “SubhanAllah.” My cousin murmured to the left of me.

“Pass the coffee please.”  I said holding out my paper cup. She gingerly picked up the flask we had smuggled outside. “JazakAllah.”

It was past midnight and we had snuck outside with goodies and climbed ontop of the roof, to end our holiday together on a memorable note.Taking care to blend into the night in our black garb and to be modestly covered even though there was a next to zilch chance that our neighbours would look outside now.

“ The moon is looking so beautiful tonight.” My other cousin murmured. I rolled over  onto my side and looked at the lights of the sleeping city twinkle in the distance.

There was something risky, fun and cosy about being huddled on a rooftop at a ridiculous hour, hoping not to wake up one’s family. I had to do it, to challenge myself to get out of my rut. I used to love doing this 10 years ago. Then what happened? 

As the night slipped away in whispers and laughter and musing, I looked at my teenage cousins, once little babies who I held in my arms as a kid myself.

Now, young ladies. I would be who I needed when I was young, for them. They were amazing. Perhaps I needed to tell them that. Not  just silently think it. So they would know.

We slowly climbed down the roof and I glimpsed at the waning moon, Ramadhan was drawing ever closer and I needed  to “recover”before that so that I could be spiritually on form.Tonight was a fitting end to the past few months of my internal dialogue captured in “If only  you knew.”  Alhamdulilah, throughout my time of personal loss, I had an amazing support circle via my family and friends who saw me through my darkest days. And now, Alhamdulilah, I was on  the other side.The one where I could see the sky turn red , a promise that the darkness of the night was fading into brightness. More than anything else, I had to make peace with me. Accept myself. Recognise myself .As I sleepily pulled my covers back ,I fell asleep with a smile.And my heart smiled back.


Love you, before you expect to beloved.

Know you before you are known.

Respect you before gaining respect.

Your flaw is your lack of character and piety,

Not your looks or cupboard.

Not what the mirror says.

Work on you

So you  may find Him.

If only you knew.








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